What Keeps Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, and Sexual Assault Going?

From the Sources: Preface to The Gulag Archipelago

Today, I’m going to address what I consider to be the most serious and dangerous stumbling block facing the recovery movement. I consider this factor so serious and so dangerous that it might be the one most important thing that keeps child abuse and domestic relationship abuse and sexual assault going and prevents us from eradicating these atrocities from our society.

The biggest, most harmful part of this situation is that it comes from us as survivors so it’s especially important that we address this and deal with it ourselves so we can get this stopped.

This problem is a big deal to me and it’s one of the central pillars of my brand, so you’re all going to be hearing a lot about this from me.

So let’s dive right in and to start us off, we’re going to turn to the person who has become an icon in our society, the person who has become the patron saint of the recovery movement: Oprah Winfrey. Oprah made a name for herself drawing public attention to child abuse, relationship abuse, sexual assault, not only by bringing these problems into the mainstream on her TV platform and advocating for survivors, but by publicly coming forward as a survivor herself of these forms of abuse.

Oprah started out in the 80s and reached the height of her fame and influence in the 90s and early 2000s. She became the most vocal and prominent champion of the abuse recovery movement and this is where we confront our big problem. 

The feminist movement, the abuse recovery movement, and most recently, the #MeToo movement all make one glaring mistake. They all portray men as the abuser class and women as the victim class.

Yeah, sure, all these movements acknowledge that women CAN be the perpetrators and men CAN be the victim, but almost across the board,  we hear pretty much everyone involved in abuse advocacy painting men as the problem. We constantly hear these people saying that the vast majority of perpetrators are men and the vast majority of victims are women and this is just flat out not true.

As an example, the book How Dangerous Men Think (Sanders, 2001) was published in Australia and it was written by a former cop who now educates women in self-defense. The book outlines strategies for situations from mugging to date rape and sexual assault.

On the very first page, the author tells the reader unequivocally that “Rape is a male problem—it is never the fault of the woman or girl who was attacked.” He also states that, although men CAN also suffer sexual assault, they are almost universally assaulted by other men.

This is not true of adult sexual assault. It is not true of workplace sexual harassment, domestic relationship abuse, and it is ABSOLUTELY not true of child abuse.

The United States CDC reports that a whopping 79% of men who were raped by being forced to have penetrative sex against their will suffered at the hands of female perpetrators.

That’s 79%!

A staggering 58% of those men reported that the female perpretator used some violent physical assault as well, including hitting them, knocking them down, or some other attack, and many reported injuries.

More than 40% of domestic violence victims are men, and that’s not counting unreported incidents. If we consider that men are far more likely to keep silent about abuse especially when the perpetrator is a woman, we can see that men and women are equally responsible for relationship abuse.

An Australian Institute of Family Studies study in Oct 2016 reports that “boys were more likely to be the subjects of a substantiation of physical abuse, neglect or emotional abuse than girls.”

A British study in 2005 found that mothers were more likely than fathers to be responsible for physical abuse 49 per cent of incidents compared to 40 per cent committed by fathers.”

The US Department of Health and Human Services reported that between 2001-2006, 71 per cent of children killed by a parent are killed by their mothers, and 60 per cent of those victims are boys.

The UK Department of Health and Human Services reported in the same time period that 70.6 per cent were abused by their mothers, 29.4 per cent were abused by their fathers.

So we can see from these statistics that it doesn’t matter what country we’re in. The same problem persists all over the world.

Women can be just as aggressive, just as violent, just as manipulative, just as vindictive, and just as sexually pathological as men. They might use different tools, but women as a class are not the victims here. Far more children are verbally and emotionally abused by their mothers than their fathers and this happens to boys just as much as girls if not more.

This is why we see whole categories of child abuse that are perpetrated exclusively by women. Munchausen By Proxy, for example, is perpetrated approximately 95% by the victim’s mother and very often ends with the child’s death.

We tend to think of physical abuse as hitting, kicking, punching and overt assaults like that. Abusive mothers more often use more subtle and easily concealable methods such as jabbing children with needles, starvation, hair-pulling, and the like.

When they do lash out violently, mothers have been shown to hit boys harder and more often than girls.

What also happens to boys far more than girls is that they get told by abusive parents, "don’t cry, don’t complain, get over it, don’t feel anything, tough it out," so these abuses go unreported.  The victims bury the feelings of being mistreated and these feelings break out—how? As anger, aggression, and violence.

We as women find it convenient to believe that these things don’t happen to men and boys and that is a mistake.

We also see vast numbers of men being verbally and emotionally abused by women in domestic relationships. Narcissists, psychopaths, and manipulators are as likely, if not more likely to be women

It might be true, as the feminist movement is so fond of telling us, that if we sat down with any random group of women, just about all of them would have a tale of abuse or assault.

I would bet cold, hard cash that, if we sat down with any random group of men, each of them would have a tale of abuse or assault or manipulation at the hands of a woman. These traumas leave deep, lasting scars in a person’s psyche and we as survivors are not doing our job of advocating for the recovery movement if we don’t take the suffering of men seriously. Abuse and manipulation and sexual harassment and assault are not unique to male perpetrators.

A pathological mother is just as likely to sexually abuse her son as a pathological father is to abuse his daughter. For centuries, physical abuse was seen as the default method of disciplining children and these punishments were as likely to be carried out by mothers as fathers.

We have developed a culture that paints heterosexual men as predators. Gay men and women have spent decades trying to convince everybody that they should be accepted because it’s heterosexual men who were the main perpetrators of child abuse. Books like this one lead women to believe that, if they find themselves alone on a street with a man, that they should be afraid and prepared to defend themselves because he is likely to be a predator.

Naturally, men are understandably upset about this, especially when so many of them have been mistreated and victimized by women. As a result, we have situations like the MGTOW movement and the Red Pill movement where men are lashing out and frankly, I don’t blame them one bit

Oprah and people like her did a great thing in the 80s and 90s by bringing child abuse and domestic violence into the mainstream. I’m not denigrating their achievement because we wouldn’t be having this discussion now if they hadn’t done that for us.

Now it’s our job to take that achievement and build on it into the next generation. It’s our job to recognize that women can be just as hurtful and abusive and manipulative as men, in some cases far more so. They just do it in different ways and they have more tools at their disposal because men and boys are conditioned to keep silent and bury their pain.

It’s our job to give these men and boys a voice and a seat at the table in the recovery movement. That’s the only way we’re ever going to get these atrocities stopped.

 

Links: 

US CDC statistics on male sexual victimization: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sexual-victimization-by-women-is-more-common-than-previously-known/ 

UK Home Office statistics on domestic violence:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence 

UK DHHS

Child Family Community Austraila

https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/why-arent-we-talking-about-abusive-mums/news-story/629b48b93abd22be2b63f1344c0c5de6